Who loves horror movies?

I love horror movies. Absolutely my favorite kind of movies. Fun to watch and makes people scared. Except me. I was scared by one movie in my life. Not ready to divulge that.

But after watching somethings I always just feel alone. I feel like I don't matter to anyone. Like I don't mean anything to anyone. And that I never will. In movies everyone means something to someone else, but in real life I don't think it works that way. Life may be interesting, but only when you have connections to other people in your life.

I don't know what to do with myself to make me know how to change, but it's all I want to do. I just want to mean something to someone. I think I might have at two different points in my life, but as always I just let the relationships fall to the wayside and fell into darkness once again. I want to be in the light again instead of always feeling shrouded. My family doesn't get it and I don't want to explain it. There are a very limited amount of my friends who are willing to sit through me telling them everything and the ones who think they know everything...don't know everything.

Get me talking about movies and I won't stop. I can tell you a lot about different movies. It's my last connection to people in my mind and the only reason I might matter to others. One movie quote sums up the way I feel: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

Resolutions

Life is an adventure. An unplanned one. One that confuses, hurts, and ensnares in its' web. It also has meaning, love, and fun in it. Resolutions are usually empty promises we as people make to try and improve ourselves. I've never had a need for resolutions until the past two years.

I've realized now why media holds such a close place in my heart. I feel a connection. I feel this longing and this want for my life to be more like a movie. Everyone is open and shares a lot of their lives with others. I've never been that way and I don't know what to do about it. I have some pretty awesome friends, but have a terrible time opening up to them.

My life spiraled out of control this year and I finally reached a bottom. My drinking caused me to spiral and keep many friends shut out. I have some who I can speak with candidly, but the more people I talk to the better I feel. I won't talk to my parents or family, but trust my friends. I've also realized how bad it is that I can't open up to everyone. I want to. I want people to know the real me, not the lying asshole with a drinking problem that I've become.

I've lied about nearly everything for a large part of my life. It has just been a way of life for me. And a new year's resolution for me to be honest. I want to hold to it and will continue it today, hopefully working through a lot of this with the guy I consider my best friend. We've been a bit off lately and I can trace it back to the time I realized that he would never consider me his best friend. That hurt me more than anything has. I hate having this dread in my head and heart and all I want to do is work it out with him. I've recently started lying to him more than anyone and that kills me too. I just don't get why I lie to him. Or at all. I'll lie to him about anything, example "I don't like something" but really I do. It's stupid and childish and I hate it.

I'm also used to be mean to many people for no reason. As a resolution last year I definitely followed through on that one. I've gotten to be nicer and more considerate, but not less judgmental. The best friend I've ever had knows me better than anyone, but we've just been drifting apart. We had fun all the time before. We still do when we hang out, but I have to make it revolve around movies and it sucks.

I guess the biggest thing I want to change is how alone I feel. I have no real reason to feel the way I do, but I just feel alone.

My resolutions are a work in progress and so is my life. Things are looking up and I'm remaining positive. I have great friends and look forward to turning the corner to live a better, fuller life. It's going to take a lot of effort, but I'm going to do it.